Conversation Endgame

These days when I’m practicing being in the moment, getting into an argument, or finding myself impatient and wanting to rush, I like to remind myself to think about what I’m trying to get out of the situation. It’s easy to feel emotions and then start to run on autopilot, which is not always a good thing. I can’t recommend being a robot, but it’s been a good idea for me to check the facts, analyze the details, to take appropriate action rather than let whatever present emotion take over.

I recently got into a conversation in which I had to think about what really mattered the most. To start, I had sent out a Facebook post, looking for a teacher to help out at a local school – just doing a favor, not a big deal, but I had gotten a message response from someone who I’ve seen before in this particular group. Not my favorite kind of person – the kind of person that writes without capitalization, punctuation, sloppy, and often rude in unwarranted situations; the latter being the most important part. I’ve made previously made subtle remarks to let this person know they’re starting to step on some toes – and I’m not the only one to say so.

Anyway, it was time to call this guy out. He was back at his shenanigans and I wasn’t going to let the opportunity slip by. My primitive instinct says this guy should screw off and be put in his place BUT fortunately something else clicked in my mind before primitive Steve had a chance to act: “What am I hoping to accomplish in this discussion?” I came to the conclusion, “I want this guy to respect others, and I also don’t want him to be hurt because he’s probably already hurt – why else would he go out of his way to be an a-hole? Happy people just don’t do that. If he’s further hurt, then I’ll lose, and he’ll keep doing the same thing over and over again.”

So I told him that his behavior was foolish. There’s a huge difference between saying that someone’s behavior is foolish and actually calling someone a fool – the latter is way, way more disrespectful. I don’t know him, and I’m not in a position to judge, I only want to call out the garbage I’m seeing just now. So I probed a bit on why he was being negative, showing that I’m seeing past the veil here. In conclusion, I had to say that there’s a difference between being honest and being an a-hole. Jerks pretend like they’re doing the world a favor with “honesty,” but it’s often a poor excuse to just trash others and dump unhealthy, negative energy into some unwilling target – just being honest, though(!)

No reply. I felt good - that was enough.

I don’t need an apology, I just want to have my voice heard and hopefully make a change in his behavior – not to satisfy my ego on an incredibly small encounter, but help all the poor people that have to deal with this guy’s nonsense on a daily basis. Crap like that splits up families, friends, and anyone valuable.

It’s not always easy to get in the mindset of “What’s the endgame here?” But, with further mindfulness, it gets easier over time for me to slow down and not be overly jumpy into letting my ego get the first word in.

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